


Hear the Voice of the Preacher From the Back Room

by Voidfish



Series: I Wanna Get Better [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Dissociation, Gen, Mental Health Issues, implied davenchurch because I have no self control, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-28 21:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13912431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voidfish/pseuds/Voidfish
Summary: The IPRE requires mental and physical screenings for the interplanetary mission. Davenport, frankly, thinks it’s ridiculous, but he does what his superior’s demand because while he’s in charge of their most important mission he still has no power. It’s been treated as a gift, that he’s even allowed this mission, a gift that should be repaid with groveling. Davenport’s never been one to grovel, so all he does is keep his mouth shut and bite back the scathing remarks threatening to overflow.Still, the tests are important in certain ways.





	Hear the Voice of the Preacher From the Back Room

**Author's Note:**

> Have you ever wanted to relate to Merle Highchurch! Too bad I wrote this regardless.
> 
> Not very proofread, if there's errors let me know, I'm so sorry, and I'll fix them.
> 
> This is about dissociation and similar problems but never shows any graphic attack or discusses the trauma that caused it.

The IPRE requires mental and physical screenings for the interplanetary mission. Davenport, frankly, thinks it’s ridiculous, but he does what his superior’s demand because while he’s in charge of their most important mission he still has no power. It’s been treated as a gift, that he’s even allowed this mission, a gift that should be repaid with groveling. Davenport’s never been one to grovel, so all he does is keep his mouth shut and bite back the scathing remarks threatening to overflow.

Still, the tests are important in certain ways.

Davenport smiles as Merle Highchurch walks into his office. The dwarf is wearing a ridiculously neon green floral button down with plaid shorts. It’s a look that would be repulsive on anyone, but Merle makes it work. As long as you don’t stare for too long.

“How can I help you, Cap’n?” Merle asks, taking his seat. 

 

Davenport frowns. “I wanted to talk to you, Merle, about your screening for the interplanetary mission.”

“Really should get a better name for that thing,” Merle mutters.

Davenport laughs. “We will,” he assures the dwarf, “as soon as the crew is picked.”

“Well,” Merle chuckles, “that’s a relief. What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Merle,” Davenport starts, “they found some - well, they found a problem in your health screening, to put it frankly. I thought you should know.”

“Damnit, is it my hip?” Merle asks. “That bastard’s always causing trouble.”

Davenport smiles sympathetically, shaking his head. “I’m afraid it was in the - well, in the mental health screening.”

Merle pauses at that, frowning. “Really?”

Davenport nods. “They… well, Merle, they found symptoms for a dissociative disorder.”

“A what now?”

Davenport bites his lip. “Well, I’m not the person to explain it, Merle, but from what I understand? It’s depersonalization. Memory problems, having holes in your memory or past in certain places, feeling like you’re not in your body or like you’re a little to the left.”

Merle blinks for a moment. “That’s not - everyone doesn’t feel like that?” 

Davenport shakes his head. “I’m sorry Merle. The board tried to tell me to not inform you but, between you and me, that’s bullshit.”

Merle laughs a little at that. “So,” he finally says moments later, “this mean I’m disqualified for the mission?”

Davenport smiles. “Actually,” he says as he jumps off his chair, grabbing a folder on his way over to Merle, “you’ve been accepted.”

Merle blinks as the acceptance folder is thrust in his hands. “Even with the disassociation thingamabob?”

Davenport chuckles. “As long as we understand it’s there, we’ll work around it. You’re plenty qualified.” Davenport grows serious for just a moment. “This isn’t gonna stop you, Merle. It’ll just make things...a little different.”

“Well, different works for me,” Merle grins. He shakes Davenport’s extended hand, gives the gnome a quick hug, and heads back to the botany building.

And life continues on.

***

Once you know something is there it’s hard to look away.

Merle tries to go along his life after his talk with Davenport, but it’s hard. It’s hard not to see what was once invisible, the signs and symptoms that are now obvious and seem to loom in the air.

It’s almost too much to handle. Merle has the opportunity to forget, to sink back into oblivion, and he doesn’t fight it.

***

It starts small.

Merle can’t tell which twin is which.

It’s fine. It’s understandable, really, they look alike and they like to pretend to be each other. 

He starts calling the science officer “Billy Bluejeans” instead of Sildar Hallwinter and things become more concerning.

Davenport keeps an eye out. He’s worried for the dwarf, but he knows the man is perfect for the mission. He knows that they can work through the situation, find accomodations and treatments. 

It’ll take time, but it’ll work eventually. It has to.

In the meantime, the group works around it. Sildar is nicknamed Barry Bluejeans, a name he takes to with pride. The twins enjoy fooling Merle. The team responds to the names Merle calls them, no matter how wrong or off kilter they are.

They’re going to be okay.

***

The World being swallowed is bad for everyone. It’s especially bad for Merle, who retreats into himself even more.

It’s almost scary to watch as the cleric’s eyes will dull just slightly, the way he’ll blink in confusion as he takes in surroundings he can’t remember. The way he needs to be lead to his room, moving as if he’s in a haze, as if the air around him is heavy. 

Davenport helps Merle to his room and stays with him, and the crew is so overwhelmed in their own grief that they don’t even notice.

***

“You don’t have to do this,” Merle says one cycle.

Davenport turns from where he’s sitting. “Do what? Fly the ship?’

Merle shakes his head. “Aw, y’know what I mean.” He sits down next to Davenport. “When I get all wonky. You don’t have to help with that.”

“It’s really fine, Merle. I’m happy to help,” Davenport replies. 

Merle scrunches his nose. “See, I don’t get that. Am I really worth that?”

“It’s hard to watch,” Davenport admits, “but I’d rather make sure your safe. Because I care about you, Merle. We all do.”

Merle blinks at that. “Well shit,” he finally says.

Davenport laughs at that, a high reedy sound that brings a smile to Merle’s face. “Shit,” the gnome agrees.

***

It doesn’t take long for the rest of the team to notice that something’s wrong with Merle.

It does take a while for anyone to ask him about it, though.

It’s Magnus who brings it up. The fighter sits down one day carefully in the chair next to Merle’s. He smiles cautiously and waves at Merle. The cleric waves back. There’s an awkward pause before Magnus speaks.

“Hey Merle? You’d tell us if there was anything wrong, right?”

Merle blinks at that. “‘Course I would, Magnus. Now, er, what do you mean by that?”

Magnus laughs a little. “If you’re not feeling well or anything like that.”

“Where’s this coming from?”

Magnus looks away. “You get weird sometimes,” he admits. “You say weird things and ask weird questions and then Cap’nport leads you back to your room.” Magnus gets up from his chair to kneel so he’s eye level with Merle. “If there’s anything we can do to help, let us know.”

“I appreciate it, buddy,” Merle manages to respond. “I, just, I got shit brain, y’know?” 

Magnus nods vigorously. “We’re here for you though.”

“Thanks,” Merle says. He means it.

***

People on the ship take turns caring for Merle, when he gets into episodes. They’ll speak to him in soft voices, lead him to his room, sit with him until he can move and speak and live again. They’re too kind. Merle almost can’t believe how kind they are.

***

Merle learns different things from different people.

Barry teaches him distractions, things to do when the panic starts to settle, for holding off really bad episodes. He learns sudoku, tries knitting, write limericks, does anything he can.

Lucretia teaches him to keep journals, to record important things he might forget. He learns to live in the holes, learns to work around them.

Magnus helps him when he can’t remember, will gently fill him in on information he’s missed.

Lup and Taako use food, natural remedies they find in each planet. They do their best.

Davenport, though not always, is usually the one that Merle trusts most in his states. He stays with Merle until the spinning, world is ending feeling has passed.

Merle starts to feel at home, and he starts to try to heal.

***

It never occurs to Lucretia until after she erases their memories that this means erasing Merle’s coping mechanisms, erasing the progress he’s made.

She can’t help but hope he’s okay, that the ocean gives him peace, that he can finally rest.

***

Merle Highchurch has always had holes in his memory. He was never worried about it. There was a lot he didn’t remember.

He remembers his first date with Hekuba but not when he proposed. He remembers bits of the wedding, little details like that her dress was pink and his shoelaces were untied. But he doesn’t remember the important things, and he accepts that.

Sometimes it feels like he’s drowning, and that fills him with a fear he can’t understand. There’s a lot he can’t understand. He moves forward.

***

Before he meets Taako and Magnus no one knows what to do when Merle has an “episode.”

He’s an oddball around town, the man who can’t remember important details, who walks around in a daze. No one stops him and points him home. They let him wander until it’s late.

But there’s something about Taako and Magnus, someway that they understand, that makes things okay.

***

It’s so hard to watch Merle stumble around in a daze, like it was when Lucretia first met him.

She calms him into her office after the Rockport Limited mission.

“What can I do for you, Boss Lady?” He says.

“It’s Madame Director. And have a seat, Merle, we need to have a chat.”

“Aw, shit,” he says as he sits, “am I in trouble for something?”

“Not that I know of, although if you’d like to confess anything I’d gladly change that.”

Merle laughs. “Ah, I think I’m good.”

Lucretia smiles. “Then you’re fine. No, Merle, I called you in here because I have a suspicion. Could you fill out this form for me?”

She passes him the form. She had recorded the questions from the IPRE mental health screening so long ago, and it had come in handy.

“What’s this for?” Merle asks as he flips through the form.

“Company protocol. But only for you.”

Merle laughs. “Got a pen?”

Lucretia hands him one, and watches him fill out the form. After five minutes he finishes and hands the form back. 

Lucretia flips through it, her fears confirmed. 

“Merle,” she says, “we need to have a talk.” 

“Though we were already doing that.” He responds.

“Well now we need to have another talk,” she responds before her face softens. “Merle, I’m so sorry.”

***

Recovery feels impossible. Merle, regardless, tries. The Director helps. It feels right that way.

***

Remembering again is a relief. Remembering again is like waking up from a long nap, discovering the scribbling on the walls have meanings and have been words this whole time.

Waking up doesn’t fix everything, doesn’t fix the holes and the way the world swam around him, and it’s both a relief and terrible to realize.

***

Recovery is a mixed bag. The Stolen Century, the Story and Song, they’re so much to work on. It’d be so easy, so simple, for Merle to sink into the numbness, to let his body run on autopilot and let his mind float. But he tries his best to stay in the moment. He fights for it.

Some days he wins, some days he loses. Each day he tries and he thinks that’s what it counts.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is infernaltwink, yell at me about Merle Highchurch!


End file.
